Jonah’s Story: Thor’s Hammer

Wodin and His Ravens Woke Up early, and so did we all for the entire Racket. Once again I was Sleep Deprived. I cannot go on this Way and Avoid a Manic Episode. I need Lithium, badly. My only Conciliation was that Wodin was Hung Over. After breakfast of leftover stew, we packed in Silence for Wodin’s sake. The Ravens had other Ideas and did not shut up until they finally Flew Off.

“My Head is breaking in half.” Wodin said to anyone who would Listen.

“You should’ve quit while you were ahead.” Jo commented. “Why don’t you take some Tylenol?”

“What does ‘tie lean all’ mean?”

“You know, Tylenol, for headaches.”

“I’m not from around Here.” Wodin admitted.

“Obviously.”

So we set out with a new member of our Crew. Wodin had told us nothing of how he and his Ravens came to be in the Woods. In His time, we’ll Know. With His Dry Sense of Humor, he reminded me of my paternal grandfather, Wally.

“How ‘bout another story?”

“Sure Wodin.” Replied Rebekah.

“Funny or Sad?”

“How bout both?”

“Hmm . . . Let’s see . . . Romeo and Suzette?”

“You mean Juliet?”

“Who?” He thought. “No. Too bloody. How Bout Thor’s Wedding? Frost Giants are the only Casualties.”

“That sounds like Fun.”

“Tons o’ Fun. Caw, caw!” The Ravens Laughed with Him. The first time I’d heard Wodin Laugh Out Loud. He continued: “This Story Teaches us the Power of Deception in the Right Circumstances.”

“That’s a Moral?”

“Sure. As Good as Any.”

“So a Frost Giant had stolen Thor’s Hammer, Mjolnir, and He was Pissed and Powerless. The Giants were demanding Freya’s hand in marriage in exchange for Mjolnir. Thor was Forced to ask his half-brother, Loki, for help which he did begrudgingly. So this was Loki’s Plan: Dress Thor up like a Bushing Bride and the Giants would not recognize Him so he could Steal back Mjolnir. Good Plan, right?”

“I guess so.” I guessed.

“So Loki had a great time Dressing up Thor: the corset was the Hardest Part. Thor had to shave his beard, of course, and it was the first time he’d Shaved since he was a man grown. Then came his legs which took twice as long and drew more blood than the face. Finally Loki curled up his blond hair and Thor passed for a very Ugly Woman.

“A God in Drag? Scandalous!” I exclaimed.

“No doubt.”

“What happened next?” Asked Rebeka.

“Loki added heavy makeup to finish off the effect. Then it was off to the Wedding in Odin’s goat chariot.”

“Goat Chariot?” I laughed out loud.

“Odin’s Favorite goat was named Heidrun and was a female. The goat supplied mead to the gods.”

“Yuch!” Exclaimed Jo. “Goat Mead?”

“Just Plain old Mead.”

“From a Goat!”

“A Magic Goat, of course!”

“So ‘Freya’ arrived at the Home of the Frost Giants giddy with anticipation. No sign of the Deception, yet. Thor took the place of Honor next to the Betrothed. First the Feast and then the Ceremony. Thor was famished so he tore into the bread basket. Salmon was the first course and Thor ate seven whole salmon. He washed it down with eight mugs of mead. The giants noticed and ask Loki what was going on. “Oh she’s just Nervous and has an appetite.” The explanation was accepted by the Giants. Then Thor’s makeup started to run as well as his beard began to grow back in. Loki had an excuse for that too: “She’s just a Blushing Bride.” Again the Giants were fooled by the Master Trickster. Finally, it was time for the Gifts.

“I present my Beautiful Bride with Thor’s Hammer, Mjolnir!” Declared the King of the Giants. As it was handed to Him, Thor grabbed Mjolnir and the Spell was Broken. He slew the King and then the rest of the Wedding Party as the Guests ran for the Exits. Thunder Rumbled and Lightning Crashed as Thor had His Revenge.”

“‘Revenge is a Dish best served Cold.’ So say the Klingons.” I added.

“So it is, my Friend.”

Copyright 2014 Joel Paddon

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